After I made out with her she fell asleep and started pooting in her sleep. Are we sure lesbians are hot? Cause that wasn't.
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
Well you broke that rule when you put it in your mouth.
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
I chased a girl up a staircase screaming because she had a cardboard cut out of James Dean which, at the time, I believed to my friend being held against his will
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
I told him i turn boys gay hoping that would scare him off. Finally i found a way to take advantage of my disability.
Final Summary: could he eat a lit sparkler? Probably. Could he do it while peeing off the roof? I'll tell you when you get to the ER.
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
Easter bunny might get some gnarly munches and not even have enought candy left to hand out
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
Upon further investigation my nipples are bruised and I have teeth marks all over.
Randomize
