sexting on a treadmill. speed 9.0 beat that slut!
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
At victory brunch. Have a decent story. Im now eskimo brother with the duke mens basketball teams from 2002 to 2008 and obamas right hand man
that's why you don't digest questionable powders from girls wearing tutus at a dirty club
He brought her home and fucked her in a gingerbread man costume in a cardboard rapunzel castle. He had a pretty good night.
I'm just gonna go have sex with whom ever is in the men's room.
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
I've started day drinking because fuck everyone else
You were supposed to behave this weekend.
But... naked.
I remember sitting in your lap naked saying I don't want to be all looks while you gently rocked me back and forth
I have banged to "The Emperor's New Groove" way more than could possibly be reasonable.
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
He says the sweetest things but also that he wants to choke me when we fuck so it's kinda perfect.
Best news I’ve heard all day. Cookies and dick. What more could a girl ask for?
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