I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
you have a cum towel under your bed, you're the definition of single
We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
Russian roulette. Between salvia and weed. You in?
FUCK YOU MAN
i like feelif swiord YOU ARE A GOD
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
I take to many stalker pics of him. If he ever looks through my phone he'll never give me sex again :(
i wore a power symbol belly button ring just so i can drunkenly tell him that he turns me on. i dont care if it works i think its classy
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
Also day 6: dick is healed and ready to go back to work.
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
Randomize
