I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
i was so worried that when his hands were down my pants he was going to find the weed i stole from him
I just saw her take the entire bowl of lime wedges from the bar and pour them all in her purse, and now using the empty bowl as a hat. Waiting for security to come and throw her ass out.
ill be fine wheb you get back. I'm gunna do real world things like washing the dishes. having to perform serious tasks brings you down.
And then I passed out in my towel and was woken up by my roommate introducing me to her trick for the night.
Oh we will ALWAYS be together. Or I'll have to delete my Facebook altogether. I've drunkenly boobie trapped photos of us into every album. There's no way I'd ever have the patience to go through that deletion process.
they paper machayed me.
i told you ... never pass out drinking with preschool teachers.
My sugar daddy is a bigger asshole than i am. What's wrong here?
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
His chest is so hairy i want to pet it with my nipples.
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
Do not take the D yet, he needs to be worth it. Your Vagina is GOLD.
while giving me head, she stopped, looked up at me smiling and said "ill never be able to look at bananas the same way again" and then went back to work.
Randomize
