It was kinda weird being the boss
Did you feel like Tony Danza?
remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
similar to the time we made up the game of screaming at the top of our lungs any time a guy any of us slept with walked into the party. that went over SO well.
dude, I'm listening to "I believe I can fly", i'm high, and driving. this is so amazing.
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.
I wonder if he has realized that I have poured all if those shots he bought into the tip jar
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
Would it be inappropriate to trade Christmas cookies for sex?
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
Everything is a learning experience. Last night we learned why I'm not allowed to bring guys home from the bar....
Either im seeing the northern lightgs, someone is having a rave, or im on acid.. Im most likely on acid
Randomize
