Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
It would be like bopping for an apple with my penis but never winning an actual prize. The only thing I would get from it would be the joy from taking part but then regretting it forever more
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
For once I want to have sex without having to google the after effects of it.
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
Oh ya, I forgot to tell you, last night I woke up to the sound of you peeing on the floor next to the fridge, didn't remember until now. Have fun at Dayton!
We're not piercing ourselves today.
In light of this week's heat-wave, we are having a house vote tonight on the temporary suspension of the "no smoking indoors" clause. Please bring your voting cards to the living room at 6:30pm
Point of Clarification: by "voting card" we mean a full beer and/or shots
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
I got off F O U R times, just because he wanted to hear me moan. He is my hero.
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
Randomize
