im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
maybe i get so drunk and make stupid mistakes cuz Subconsiously im preparing for my real world debut
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
i caught the condom in my mouth.. dont ask me how
Yeah I had to push her down the hallway to the hotel room in a luggage carrier. The guy at the desk told me goodluck
I mean, I know going to rehab probably didn't make her a lesbian, but I can always hope
The upside of a losing football weekend is that there are more sad frat boys willing to let loose their inner gay man.
I guess? According to Jeff his mom is wondering when the grand babies will arrive. So I don't think they like ME so much as my supposed functioning uterus
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
I'm a drunk white girl and my ancestors were drunk white girls, if we apologized our species would be extinct.
so i EARNED it!?! i EARNED dying alone with cats!!?
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
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