Dude. I tried to convince her to eat poprocks and give me a blowjob. It did not work out well.
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
I'm on A4A looking at dick pics while the CEO is on the phone trying to convince me not to leave the company
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
What drinking game we play yesterday? Fight club or something?
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
And for the record I didn't even have sex last night. I threw up in his toilet and slept in his bed until noon
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
Randomize
