I spent a large portion of the night trying unsuccessfully to keep hayley (who was wearing a dress and no underwear) from doing handstands, but yea it was fun. the boys had fun
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
I need to have sex with you on our hotel room window ledge... This is a need not a request.
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
there is nothing ok with the fact that that was the 4th time i peed in the same parking ramp
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
Really? A fat girl?
I'm walking her back. Chill out.
She is a nice girl okay. For some reason we are in my room though.
She's been with the dude for a week saying she's in love. Yeah so am I. I just opened this beer 5 minutes ago and I LOVE IT ALREADY.
This guy is like Don Jon! Im over here this weekend and at least four times I've heard porn on his phone thru the bathroom door.
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
I'm smoking a bowl in my bathtub. I'm meant to be alone.
People try and tell me I never learn me lesson, well that's a bunch of crap. I asked for Monday off for Superbowl recovery based on my experience last year.
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
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