fucking a dude
i mean: fucking a, dude
wow, that comma made all the difference there
it was like his penis was on wheels.
Hey, no judgement here...this is the girl that threw up on a box of kittens at the magician's house
Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.
We looked at pictures of a Texas banjo contest from 2006 for a half hour and then were surprised by who won. That stoned.
After blacking out and loosing my phone for a month, I found it in the parking lot across the street. Last text "rager in the street". I remember none of this.
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
So as a result of a tragic manscaping accident I've had to shave all the hair off of my legs. The result is... not great
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
Where does drinking Flat, warm beer from two days ago rank of the No Fucks Given scale?
I can get something to clone your cock for $40. It's worth it. It's my birthday present to myself.
OMG I CAN GET A GLOW-IN-THE-DARK ONE
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
Psssh like you wouldn't lick BBQ sauce off my nipples.
What time is our conjugal visit?
Umm...who is this?
It’s official. I’ve hooked up with all three brothers now
You should go after Dad now
I should! He’s definitely middle age fuckable
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