So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
she was dressed as a doctor claiming that after she was done i would have a "permaboner"
look for us when you get to the club. we're the guys wearing snorkels.
you wore rainboots all night because you said the forecast called for wine spillage
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
its the first football sunday and my boyfriend isn't excited. this isn't gonna last unless he makes me snacks and brings me beer during the game.
Maybe he injected his testicle?
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
You wanna see what happens when frozen corn meets an unhappy Andrew's face?
sex on acid sucks though, i want to connect with the universe not your dick.
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
Our fake lesbian relationship is better than her real relationship. Bitch be jealous
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
Randomize
