I just watched the Dark knight, Maggie Gylennhaal looks like Katie Holmes after a stroke
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
Just fucked in his moms tanning bed. While it was on. Weirdest. Tan. Ever.
I've spent more money on drugs for bonnaroo than my actual ticket. Proudly.
You said that you were drinking out of a pan, and then went on to apologise to 'Jesus and all the other guys' for drinking on a Sunday.
Ecstasy body chair massage shower sex fest this week?
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
I masterbated poison ivy onto my penis, it hasn't been this upset with me since the Take one for the team fiasco of 02.
So I fucked a guy with his mouth wired shut last night never thought id cross that off my imaginary bucket list
And then he served me a piece of a brownie on his dick. It tasted amazing. Such a good night!
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
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