Whatcha textin bout Willis?
The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
I want a picture of impoverished children wearing Oregon national champions shirts.
Yes, I feel sorry for the tribe that gets those. They won't be able to hide from the lions.
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
I'm gonna have to flying elbow somebody tonight in memory of Macho Man
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
Dude, you bit through my nipple. Give it a week, damn.
How do I respond to this?! It's not easy to say "you're hot & the sex was good, but outside the bedroom you scare me"
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
I'm fucking camped out by the bathrooms. I think the poopatrator is in there. Wtf is my life
Almost an end to the saga.
Thinking and hoping ice cream is the answer to my problems
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