she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
I'm studying for my midterm by watching porn with Spanish subtitles. Surprisingly the words are still really distracting..
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
I think it's god's punishment for my behavior in Vegas . Lies were told. Angels were defiled. Pools were pissed in
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
I have bruises from doing the splits on the poles, if that doesn't scream bourbon street regret then I don't know what does
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
I'm fine with our borderline lesbian behavior.
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
Randomize
