Getting food. Want anything?
Vagina. Double meat no buns. I have the secret sauce
I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance.
I briefly wondered why they weren't in school, but after the tinier one shouted "check out dem titties!" I had my answer
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
Do to my newly discovered condition I'm having to resort to emergency beat sessions to avoid the temptation to text girls I know are easy slams.
Wow two curved penises in one weekend. I feel like this may be good luck. Like finding a four leaf clover
Is it inappropriate to match with someone on tinder just to ask if the friend in his profile picture is single?
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
Why is there a whip in the kitchen?
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