my coke dealer is running a Black Friday special
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
Home safe. Psyche shattered. Still rolling. In love with the morrocan rug in the living room.
If I'm going to start compromising my butthole it's going to be for much better drugs than a ventolin
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
Also I played a weird game of chicken in the ladies room at work between myself the person pooping 2 stalls over and a very determined maintenance man.
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
Yup on the verge of buzzed and drunk. I managed to make my way into my cat's box house to fall asleep. I'm comfortable
Tonight I plan on passing out fully clothed on the table. I don't know where normal people plan on sleeping.
But that's fine. Because I am an independent woman who is going to pull some jane Goodall shit and save the world one day......or be a porn star......either way they are going to wish they had fucked me.
We need to find out what drug we took so we can take it everyday from here on out
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
Randomize
