Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
Does transporting jello shots count as driving with an open container?
Yes, she did suck your dick in the bathroom to wake you up.
I like to think of it as a lesbian feast.
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
i showed up sober to class for the first time. my prof said that i was "off my game today". i love philosophy
I just got carded by a ten year old.
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
Yeah, first date. First take a pic of him to circulate around for your friends and than have him fill out a short penis questionnaire. Seems completely legit to me.
Got so drunk last night I kinda sent a super on point sext to his kid sister...say a prayer man
I would be down to associate sex w taco bell
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
Well, I like big penises but it's not like he walks around with it out or anything so yes I think he has beautiful eyes
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