well you can't waste a boner
I love that we get drink and call each other crying. It's kind of our thing.
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
Peeing in public by noon, this is not a good indicator for the day.
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
I feel like somebody took my brain out. Stomped on it with cleats. And then put it back together with a glue stick. Thank you.
Im going to bed. I'm seeing 7 of everything and my world smells like gravy
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
I need to thank someone for this kid's penis.
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
Randomize
