Reminder- he's a douche bag. A big one.
i hope your v-card owns a pair of floaties
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
Unless you're gonna start buying my underwear, you have got to stop ripping it off of me.
Today wasn't Sunday Funday, it was more like Sunday god is taking a shit on my life day
Everyone heard you scream that I was to be naked, in your bed in 5 minutes. We were one hell of a shitshow spectacle
I appear to have wine on my toes. I am really not clear as to how this happened. I'm gonna have a little lie down.
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
I would have rather been getting my vagina slowly waxed all day then be here.
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
I wish I may, I wish I might, get some daddy dick tonight
You should not be involved with someone who smells like that. Because that smell seriously does not go away. Even if you can't actually smell it at any given point, it will still haunt you
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