the power's out. i'm smoking weed by flashlight
i wish i was dedicated to anything like you are to weed
There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
my mother and i just seriously had a convorsation about why you cant Google "Refurbished Dildos"
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
He cant even get with danielle. Thats like striking out in t-ball
So...i'm having a drinking contest, my right hand vs my left, i have a feeling the 24 pack is gonna win
I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man
thanks for celebrating my birthday so severely 2 years ago. i just found your hospital discharge papers in my closet.
anything for my little brother.
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
I have an odd instinct I wont find my underwear tonight
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
I only drink at bars with bathrooms big enough to have sex in.
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
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