The guy I fucked in the port a poty just called me and asked me on a date!
Awkward!
No he was cute and I said yes!
Call me back. I want to hear your side of the dead cat in my garage story.
he borrowed my computer and saw his name in my recent google searches. Things got awkward real fast.
No I'm not okay I had a crush on the singer of Tokio Hotel for four months and now you tell me he's a dude?
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My new excuse for sleeping with him was in celebration of his cat's birthday.
i think you ate grass..but you refused to open your mouth so we could see..
I have effectively turned laundry day into a drinking game.
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
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You did things that should be illegal to a Twinkie and asked strangers to drive you home.
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
You were in no condition to manage a 3-way.
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
Gonna do a few lines then clean my room so I can feel like my life is somewhat in order.
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