I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
I just gave my whole company pinkeye. How's that for a summer intern's lasting impression? BOOYAHH
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
his receeding hairline makes running into him so much less awkward. almost enjoyable actualy
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
When you awake you'll realize that your car is missing....just know that I had it and becuz of your car I hooked up with the hot bar tender that looks like that guy from bay-watch however I parked it in a loading zone and it was towed...that sex was TOTALLY worth it love you
Ugh I miss culture and lesbians already
Its the least I can do really, I mean, I did sleep with her husband...
I'm going to give you the best blowjob of your life. And yes you can use my mom's printer.
YAY! I just removed my own stitches, and I'm only bleeding from one spot! on a related note, do you think a dishwasher will sterilize forceps and trauma shears?
can you come here so we can have really loud sex? the girl upstairs walks so loud i want her to know how it feels
of course
Omg. I meet up with you guys with bodily fluids on my chin ONE time and suddenly I'm a whore.
Are we at that level of friendship where we can share slutty stories and not hold it against the other person at a later date ?
Randomize
