sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
and all i could think was, am i really about to have sex with someone who still thinks that pee comes out of the actual vagina?
koolaid chicken. i marinated it for 2 hours and roasted it on a rock in a fire. it was bright blue and raw. but that shit was tasty
I have been way too involved with your nipples this weekend
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
Somewhere along the night we ended up at a food lion giving jello shots to high school girls.
the fact that we had sex in the dining hall makes it seem so much more like home.
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
YOU CHEATED ON ME WITH THE WOMAN THAT IS STAYING AT YOUR HOUSE. FORGIVE ME IF IM NOT THINKING YOUR A DEDICATED BOYFRIEND.
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
we fucked and then he hand fed me a hot pocket
Fell asleep on kitchen floor again, chicken nuggets everywhere.
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
Randomize
