Helping a hot freshman girl move in = 2 hours of my life One bottle of cheap vodkas = $10 Watching her do the walk a shame on her first morning away from home = Priceless
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
The extent of my physical activity is running from the cops.
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
Oh shit I just realized the ropes are still tied to the bedposts
You forgot your "boyfriend" from last night on my couch. You're suppose to bring that shit with you.
I still have to bake cookies and shave my legs so Mike can have MILF & cookies when he gets home.
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
He took me out to dinner to tell me we had to stop fucking so randomly
Honestly wish he pleased me as much as queso does
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
i know were having a "heart to heart" right now, but does it make you feel uncomfortable that im sexting someone right now?
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