So I think we're almost at the age where we should start calling boys men. Now what age do they start living up to the new title?
Most never. Some around 65.
I haven't been this sober since birth.
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
It's gotten to the point that the dirty talk in my head when I touch myself has your accent
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
I don't think casual Fridays means I can go to work with dried cum in my hair...
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
I just took the batteries out of the xbox remote so she could replace the dead ones in her vibrator If that's not love I don't know what is
CAPS.LOCK.AND.SPACEBAR.ARE.BROKEN.
Are you done yet? I've eaten three corndogs so I'm ready 2 party.
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
Randomize
