..i think i can hear you losing your virginity
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
Would I waste your time for mediocre porn?
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
it still weirds me out that Robin Thicke is Alan Thicke's son
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
I feel like sleeping with foreign people is a long term investment. It's like a time share. Now when I go to London I have a place to stay.
I offer naked tickle fights and orgasms and you call it trouble. I call that Christmas.
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
Watching Colbert Report and porn at the same time.
I had sex while watching Lord of the Rings last night. I think I just reached a new level of nerd.
Her mom Is so hot that when she was bending over i just zoned out starin at her ass her dad slapped me on the back an said let me tell you son everything you see here is mine and you had better realize i felt like simba
Randomize
