can "i'm close!" be our safe word(s)?
oh geez, wrong person.
So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
well thats why i like him. because he makes you happy. on the other hand i think he masturbates too much while texting you.
I almost didn't recognize her with a shirt on.
I love the "adulterer" look on you. It's hot.
Its part of my fall instant classic line.
I feel like i made up for not being able to drink on St Pattys Day, Mardi Gras, and last years Cinco De Mayo. That hungover.
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
the only thing keeping me going right now is the knowledge that in 2 hours i'll be drunk at the circus.
I showed that dick picture that your date texted you to everyone because you passed out and left your phone unattended. Your fault. Plus his cock was big so his fault too.
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
oh, so if i go friday and she's there, you are going to be my sponsor for not banging the crazy chick
THERE IS A GOAT THERE IS A GOAT IN MY BED IT IS EATING MY THONG WHAT DID YOU DO
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
I got fucked in a bat mobile this morning. Being slutty rules.
Randomize
