Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
She gave me a blow job and her mom gave me blueberry muffin afterwards. I love them.
my brother walked in while we were fucking, silently took my bong from my closet, saluted us and walked out.
This guy needs to come out; I can feel him sucking my dick from across the room.
Her vagina smelled like pancake batter. That's all you need to know.
he attacked my vagina with the force of a thousand suns
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
He just walked in the house and decided to wake everyone up by yelling "I SHIT MYSELF!" We all thought he was joking....we were all wrong.
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
He passed out while I was riding him but stayed hard long enough for me to orgasm. He definitely earned the blow job I’m going to wake him up with in the morning!
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