I chugged a bottle of robotussein and i ducking saw a blind lady on a purch sewing a shirt! And a tree portal
Im so sleepy and hes snoring super loud! i just wanna suffocate him, sleep, and deal with the body when I wake up
Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
like we started out all organized and composed and within thirty mins people were throwing up in the bushes, arguing over a beer bong and jumping in the pool with their clothes on
let's put it this way: i'm gonna stop drinking and get a gym membership. she's that hot
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
Just pissed by glowstick light. Bad idea.
No one parties like Jon. He once stole a cops hat, ran like the wind, partied all night with it, and dropped it off at the station the next day with a box of donuts as an appology.
When did angry sex become our thing?
I just want to get drunk and wake up on Wednesday
you just missed a great speech in which i almost coined the term "ass-ian" as in "my vaginal and ass-ian regions are no longer safe"
God please dont post that to facebook.
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
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