Im wearin a dollar bill hat and tgkin a big girl home. Lifi is gmwnd
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
I miss the smell of you or some shit.
You beat him at the shot competition, and proceeded to rub it in while telling everyone to "ASK ME A MATH QUESTION!!!"
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
Dont care what i do tnt just as long as i get to chug a beer in somebodys face
Then when he got home he face timed me and showed me his balls
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
don't bring your nerd jargon into this conversation about my naked body
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
Randomize
