I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
If one more person calls me a lesbian I am going to have to give you head in public.
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
Dont forget about the tuna sandwich behind your TV
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
Starting St Patrick's Weekend, non stop flights on Pacific Whorelines to the scenic HotMessXpress. Get the cougars ready, it's gonna get weird.
so my pro life roomate found a used condom wrapped up in her sheets with your panties. never letting you have sex in her bed again
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
You're right. I woke up today with my ugly sweater still on and no pants. I'd say it was a successful night.
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
It shouldn't be this hard to find someone who you haven't blown.
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
Randomize
