Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
he keeps trying to sext me and all I can do is respond with descriptions of what im eating.
only clue right now is the orange grease all on my clothes. debit card denied so I know something weird went down..
Finished watching the entire first season of mighty morphing power rangers. Now I have nothing. Not even a life.
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
It mathmatically balances. Less pants + more shirt = fully clothed. see? Not a whore!
your ability to divide cases of beer among any given group of people equally was missed.
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
I'm asking you this because you're my dad....is coke a drug I should try?
I'm a lady. Ladies do NOT hump the floor.
It took him 15 minutes to put the condom on.
Also you think METH is on the same level of wanting to see the movie cats? We’re gonna unpack that later
Randomize
