I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
I was just about to go down on her when she gave herself a "smell check" and said "no, not today".
gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
...She then said get into the spirit and started making firecracker noises while having sex
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
Doors open. I'm laying in bed watching caddy shack and drinking a vodka tonic.
And I'm out of vodka so bring vodka or 2013 will blow ass
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
All i remember from last night was that i was sitting on the toilet for a good hour eating a philly cheesesteak hotpocket... then i woke up... in my bed.
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
I have vodka, fruit gushers, and health insurance. Let's party.
I don't remember anything beyond the drinking game but I woke up in my own pee this morning so I'm just gonna go out on a limb and say I overdid it.
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
Randomize
