If she didn't want me to pass out in her bathroom, then she shouldn't have such a furry rug in there
neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
I'm gonna wear that dress that makes me look like a slut. You know, the one your sister got arrested in.
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
The trashcan full of everclear punch caught on fire...you should probably come home now.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
New found love of volunteering, when there's free wine available at all times. Good times. And I get to to feel good about helping people.
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
I'm not allowed to have sex with him again. My vagina joined in on the protest. There was a petition. All my body parts signed it.
I'm glad your nude photos turned out "classy" but you cannot hang them in the living room.
He said he couldn't fuck me cause I kinda looked like my brother
Seriously where are the good guys?
The friend zone.
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
Randomize
