so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
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I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
The least you could do is send me some gibberish so I know you're alive.
Fuhga
Thank you.
He walked away from the girl that just blew him to hook up with another girl, and when she got pissed he just turned around and screamed, "SHE IS LIKE 10X HOTTER THAN YOU!" Then she went on an angry dick sucking rampage. There were 4 victims.
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
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Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
I like how I just yelled in the window at Mcdonalds drive thru, got his number and then fucked. it was like I ordered a happy meal that only can be had after midnight.
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
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