Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
5 am is for sleeping. Or getting railed on by a stranger. But never for fundraising. Get real.
U shoulda just taken her to a stall and banged her and let me watch the game. Some friend u r.
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
just spent $80 on an im sorry breakfast from mcdonalds for everyone sleeping in my apartment for being a drunkass and locking everyone out of the apartment at 2am.
College is the ONLY place where you can pass off morning sickness as being hungover. I'm currently pouring beer in a spray bottle so I can spray it on myself and smell drunk.
i got two bottles of merlot and sorrows to drown, you in??
took adderall before wrapping presents, ended up making paper snowflakes for two hours
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
I just entered us to win a trip to Vegas for spring break. GET YOUR VAGINA READY FOR THE ULTIMATE DICK HUNT!
The drunk people on this bus are singing Journey songs. This is the whitest thing I've ever experienced
So we broke my sobriety. Played life size childhood games. Broke into a cold hot tub and got laid. I think this is BFF quality!
In other news I think my vagina is sunburnt
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
Randomize
