I think I have a pornographic memory.
Don't you mean photographic?
No.
I just love slightly exposed cleavage. Not too much to be whory but just enough to say "your kids will never go hungry"
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
We're going to play a drinking game. It's called "Senior Year of College."
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
Yea we slept in ur room but im 80% sure we didnt have any peanut butter in there
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
I'm proud of you, you were pretty classy last night, you didn't puke AND you didn't take off your shirt, except for those two times in the corner.
I want the address of the individual responsible for strawbeeritas. I want to send them gift basket.
You have not lived until you've slid down a waterfall fucked out of your mind. Fact.
I'll be back in a hour going with Jason to get his nipples tattooed back on again
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