Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
I hate having to put a bra on before I go home cuz I have to pretend I actually went to class today
FYI your bra is now hanging in the hallway as a trophy.
For the sake of being nice I congratulated her and she replied with something along the lines of that I need to stay away from him and not touch him ever. I really wanted to be like "been there, done that" but my New Years resolution was to not start any cat fight over boys with small dicks before noon
JUST BECAUSE I LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED DOESNT MEAN IM GOING TO LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED AT WORK
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
I kinda forgave him after he laid next to me and rubbed my arm for four hours while I tripped balls.
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
She's sent me the same nudes using the same gestures and positions... It's like she has a template for her sluty-ness
Last thing I remember at your house last night is your dad leaning on the beer pong table and saying "you guys can fucking party"
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
Me and dad were just reflecting on that time he found a gas mask bong in the backyard.
Randomize
