I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
A lady just asked me if you "seat yourselves" here at qdoba. I told her yea and she has been sitting at a table waiting for someone to take her order for 25 mins.
I have to take his virginity. It's what God put me on earth for. It's my life mission.
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
I kindof just wanted to go downstairs and let his dad know how good his son was at sex
Yes, you can 69 in a fiat. But I think I have permanent nerve damage
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
who knew rolling through the dorm on a scooter in footie pajamas would attract so many guys. he said i'm his soulmate.
I have finally found someone I enjoy for reasons that do not necessarily include his dick
not only did I call my ex crying but drunk me also deleted the phone log so I had no warning when I saw him in class
OH GOD IT TASTES LIKE IT SMELLS
It’s amazing such a big dick belongs to such a boring guy
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