FYI: if you have sex in your room with the light on, we can totally see your shadows from the parking lot
Your boyfriend has good rhythm though.
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
I will also inform you that stairs change when you change a house. Those hurt.
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
dont worry it didnt get any better. she locked herself in his room and was screaming at the top of her lungs "IM GUNA PEE ON YOUR BED"
I just keep sniffing it hoping for an explanation.
I've been ignoring his texts cause last night I put him in my phone as 'ignore for atleast a day' and I trust my drunk self.
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
THE VODKA TRAIN IS NOW PULLING INTO THE STATION
I would eat the Denny's grand slam special out of my new probation officers b hole
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
I'm not sure why he thinks weird that I masturbate AND look at pinterest at the same time.
Randomize
