apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
so was this before or after i puked down the ice luge?
She said she didn't think she should have to shave either. Guess no shave November just became no sex November.
just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
Hes a nice guy and all but I'm only interested in his drunken alter ego.
Just made a jeopardy bj game. Every question has 10-50 seconds on it and if he's right that's how many he gets.
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
All you had to say was "damn dude that looks fun, I miss ice fishing." But you sent a picture of poop. Classy
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
I'm going through our high school yearbook trying to find what boys I want to hook up with this summer. We graduated four years ago. That's a problem.
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
I was told i took a shot doing a headstand in the backseat then proceeded to barf all over my face
I had no idea you were so talented.
you were so drunk that when the mouse on your laptop didnt work anymore you decided to just take it into the bathroom and pee on it while laughing like a mad scientist.
Randomize
