I tried booty calling last night but apparently he was too tired and wants to meet up tonight. I told him planning defeats the purpose.
i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
still doesn't change the fact you were dunking your sock in the toilet.
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
FOUR LOKO IS YES. SUNDAY MORNING DRUNK IS YES.
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
unfortunetly they frown upon drunk on duty paramedics
They were taking shots out of the caps of perfume bottles. This is too much for me.
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
I had to steal sneakers from my man of the night. I dipped. But then realized I left my purse in his house. So I had to stash the shoes in some bushes and wait for him on the stoop. Then after he watches me leave, I run back and get the shoes cuz I didn't wanna be taking my hour long journey home through London at 3 pm in my six inch wedges and club dress
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
The cops just came to this party I'm at and ate all of our snacks
Dude just crushed our bbq lays and told us to quiet down
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
But if you move out who will get drunk with me on the roof and yell at boys?!?
Randomize
