You're a womanizer and a bitch.
The bar is filled with bros right now. Sucks I had to pay $5 to find that out.
sometimes i wonder what i would do without sheltered catholic girls w/ overprotective parents
never have sex?
Hooked up with my old baby sitter last night, so what do I do? As I was sucking her tits I decided it would be a good idea to say " goo goo gah gah"....it wasn't a good idea.
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
i don't really know how much tequila is too much
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
The UPD just told me that he was going to call the cops if i try to run. you owe me 5 dollars, i told u they arn't real cops
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
Annnnddddd this chick is using a hand puppet made of a sock to give her research presentation...
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
Put a Santa hat on my junk. He's wants to be festive too.
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