I hate fucking guys that don't drink coffee. My morning hangover and shame will not be cured by your stupid tea.
I wrote a list of all my homework due in the next few weeks. I feel I've done enough for tonight.
With the way things had been going, I was never more excited for a person to cum
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
For the record we tried to find 4th of july porn. Did not turn out well.
I guess your brother-in-law will have his day in the sun tonight after you leave. By that, I of course, mean he's gonna suck liquor milk out your sister's tits.
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
My stripper pole led lights flash with the sound so it's awsome with music
we need to tell them stories about when happens when we're sober so they think they know what they're in for when they're actually completely unprepared for whn happens when we get drunk
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
Just got caught by my boss looking at porn on the work computer & he decided to utilize this time to look with me. Not sure if this is good or bad.
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
I just saw puke on the road at the same stoplight i threw up at sunday morning! Makes me smile inside.
Randomize
