the best part about tonight...knowing when i wake up in the morning his car will still be full of packing peanuts..and mine wont
She was hit by a car at 47 mph and lived. That explains everything.
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
you try finding a go kart track at 4 AM on Thanksgiving
All I really need to know is how to say "where is the bathroom" and "I don't take it in the butt anymore". I think that will suffice.
There was just way too much discussion about my penis at that party
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
I'm using her two yr old as a arm rest while I attempt to feel her up. Somehow she is allowing it. How this transitions to sex should be interesting.
dude, you were feeling up her boob for 20 minutes in front of the guy she was hitting on because you and her had an argument over who had bigger boobs.
hey man, it was for science okay.
I guess your brother-in-law will have his day in the sun tonight after you leave. By that, I of course, mean he's gonna suck liquor milk out your sister's tits.
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
Randomize
