So how come you never look me in the eyes anymore when we make love?
I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
It was just a friend comforting a friend. Except his penis was inside of me.
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He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
well i don't NEED my liver but it's nice to have one when you're trying to have a good time
Hooked up with a 20 year old. Only reason I did was cos I thought he was 18
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My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
Like I could say no to two hot people already naked and fucking. Please. I'm not made of stone.
Twice?!
IT TOOK ME LIKE AN HOUR TO DO THAT. DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS FOR ME TO CONCENTRATE ON ONE THING FOR AN ENTIRE HOUR?!
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
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