i love how cold weather makes identifying sluts easier. is it below freezing? is she wearing a tube top? she's easy.
I made $300 today by selling pizza @ $4 a slice to nerds who refuse to leave the library. God I love finals time
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
Without me, you would never be able to say you partied with a midget!
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
You're like Jane Goodall in a forest of gay men. Someday your autobiography will be called "Bottoms in the Mist".
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
Why did I wake up next to the fire pit? And who wrapped me up like a burrito?
Jägerbombs. Thank Sara.
Apparently last night I was doing back bends for the guy making my easy mac because clearly it wasn't easy enough for me.
There is a huge naked guy in the kitchen with the boner of a lifetime and what I believe is an assault rifle casually resting on his shoulder.
Randomize
