Thought you might like this. Had a dance off with an andy bernard look alike and pissed my bed. All in one night.
It's cute how he thinks we're going to have sex again
To be honest I don't know what's worse, the fact that I interupted their shower sex or the fact that I was so drunk I used the adjoining stall anyway
Where'd you guys get the alcohol from?
Oh. Some homeless guy we picked up from I-70. He bought us $400 worth of alcohol in exchange for a shower.
...... wtf.
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Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
I'm so high. Midnight pancake breakfast in bed
You seriously knocked all the beer off the table, broke the beer pong table, broke the bar and kept yelling "you have to warn me first!" all because I wouldn't let you have another four loco
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
HILY FUCK HES HERE I HAVE MONISTAT IN ME HE SUPRISED ME
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