Fine. I'll sleep in my office
Puking in one of the stalls, a guy ran in and started puking in the other stall... In between heaves we told each other our names; i found out that it was my old best friend that moved away in the 8th grade
some guy just asked me if water gets in a vag when girls take a bath. WTF. it's not a wind tunnel!
he just made me youtube cheetahs running and he thinks he is in a pool
OH MY GOD. JESUS STRIPPER. THERE IS A JESUS STRIPPER HERE. A STRIPPER DRESSED AS JESUS.
eat the baked goods on the counter at your own risk... i made them while i was angry and drunk so they most likely have pubes in them
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
The only excuse this guy at the club had for trying to make out with me as soon as I met him was "I AM FROM MEXICOOO"
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
somebody went from crying while watching Full House, to a full on emotional raging bull...I love this time of the month
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
Well I just had a flashback of something I did in the 4th grade. Now I can't go back to sleep.
We didn't have a place to have sex. So we timed the automatic car wash & spent $9 for 3 minutes and 45 secs of car sex.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
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