btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
I just told a dude I hooked up with last night he was the pick of the litter.
I made out with Jen. We were naked. I'm still gay. Forever
It's tuesday, which means cocktails followed by cocktales.
i should do something illegal before my birthday. as of thursday im old enough to go to jail.
So after he broke the crutches and got us kicked out of McDonalds, we stole a bike and when we got back to the hotel, he jumped out the window into the bushes.
Yeah when he is drunk, he seems to think he is Captain Americas Canadian counterpart, Captain Canuck
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
do you remember your solution to not spill your drinks last night? .. Shots, that way you wouldnt have time to spill them. i love your drunken logic haha
Double check your contract and see if it says anything about sleeping with your manager
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
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