so all night Ive been that girl with her tits out @ the bar. I mean I dropped jaws, yo. But in a classy way.
Dude, this place has 10% alcohol beer on tap. It's like God's semen.
I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
today he pulled me aside to show me a lawn mower that he drew above his pubes. I saw his pubes in all their glory. Right there. In spanish class. Hola.
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
she just built a cabin out of hotdogs and cooked it in the microwave.
now she is shaking the plate and mumbling "this is what california must feel like"
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
I can't in good conscience help you bag a Catholic girl who isn't at least a 7.
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
Really? And is this the kinda party we talked about earlier?
Yup. It's just me crying in a closet eating soup
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
Randomize
