I wish I could punch you in the face.
she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
We're trying to decide between cracker barrel an the ER
Just put a dog collar on someone's child.....was a great hit with everyone but his mom.......I think she hates me. I'm okay.with that
He said he wanted to have butt sex with me and curl up with me after and just be near me. Then he passed out.
Did i actually sleep there? Or did i just get sand everywhere?
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
That happens a lot to the people around me. It's like I'm radioactive but instead of cancer, you get desensitized to the word cunt
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
I fell out of my bed whilst trying not to move this morning. I AM ADULT
I had ice cream for breakfast two days in a row.
SUPER ADULTS
She pulled out a water gun filled with vodka and called it her weapon of choice tonight. She's fine.
Randomize
