Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
I figure if he loans me money i only owe him sex for the rest of the summer before i pay him back, right?
i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
test run with donkey pinata disastrous. broken glass and tequila EVERYWHERE
Just once, I'd like to hook up with a girl that doesn't look like she's having a near-fatal seizure when I give her an orgasm.
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
I started blowing him in North Dakota, and I finished the job in Minnesota. Oh, the places road head can take you.
I think I passed out drunk at my own jewelry party
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
It was great. Except he kept asking me to lick his butthole, I was like firm no
I think I'll shower sitting down. That seems safe.
Heard about your divorce. Let me know if I can do anything for you or your penis ;-)
Randomize
