i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
i love beer. I convinced myself that I'm going to ace the exam tomorrow. I can't even do that when I actually study.
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
i hate always having to make my eye shadow look really good since my eyes always end up closed by the end of the night in pics
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
You force fed me pizza in bed last night. That was fun
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
also I saw his dick in the morning light and it was glorious. Like staring upon your birthday cake you ordered from heaven and going " can't wait to eat that later"
After the first time we had sex he kept saying "I'm proud of you" over and over again
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
I was giving him head and he slipped one of those hats with propellors on top on my head.
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