My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
The most interesting things happen to you when your pants come down. I truly envy you.
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
im so proud of her that she got shit faced finally. This must be what it feels like to see you kids get their diploma or some shit.
i don't know what part of 'duct tape bikini waxes' seemed even a little okay in our drunk minds, but i'm never drinking with your sister again
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
The fuck-me-pumps were hot, the XL hoody kinda ruined it.
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
He had a step stool to get in to his bed!
Idk what was more embarassing, seeing her face when I finished, or seeing her roomates faces thru the door..
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
Like the fear of satan was put into my heart when I saw him put that sandwich on the WOODEN BENCH
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
wow wtf man i was the friend bailing you out of jail with 500 cash and you didnt have the common courtesy of waking me up for class when i passed out drunk and naked in the bath tub
Just had an emotional break through with the dog. That high.
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