He was all up on my grill like I was having a BBQ. I DONT EVEN KNOW HOW TO USE A GRILL.
Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
Who goes to Church hungover
Those who weren't lucky enough to go still drunk
Princeton has an emergency contraception worldwide website. It is in moments like these that I love my university
OMG MY MOM JUST ASKED IF I WAS GETTING PAP SMEAR TOMORROW VERY LOUDLY WHILE WE ARE STANDING IN A VERY PUBLIC LINE.
You asked him to stand still, you put your leg on his shoulder, started dry humping the air
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
How much do you charge for your Funyun and beer delivery service?
Watching the wiggles while tripping on acid is the scariest fucking thing of all time
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
I just found a piece of dried shredded carrot on my bed
Its one thing to reject me, but to reject me AND my hottest friend AT THE SAME TIME!?!?
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
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