I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
You were rubbing sand all over yourself and everyone else and claiming you were "EXFOLIATING."
I wasn't going to take him home until I heard "hung like a water buffalo" then curiosity got the best of me.
As for the 14 hours of vodka. I am all that is man.
Dude id rather jerk off w a fist full of bee's than deal with that girl that never stops talking.
my grandpa is going down the line on this prom picture, and telling me how big everyone's nipples are... he was spot on for me.
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
...
While the cops were busting my party one of them said. O you have an Xbox? Do you play online? Whats your gamertag?....
Randomize
